Why pride is important to me:
I have lived in the closet since I was 8. Yes, 8. It was terrifying, confusing, lonely and depressing. I begged for another life every night before I went to bed. I hated this part of me.
It was incredibly lonely and invalidating as I denied my authentic self life. I was so ashamed of ME. And I tried so hard to change ME.
I built up a lot of shame. Shame of my sexuality as I received implicit and explicit information that depicted sexuality as a choice, and such a choice would lead to eternal condemination. I internalized this shame each time I heard a homophobic remark at home, at school and especially at church. I begged and pleaded for a “normal life”; the issue with that is I was asking for something impossible, and as a result living in torture knowing my reality was against my wishes.
A feeling of envy would overwhelm me when I saw a queer person living their truth, openly and freely; I felt even more envy when I observed two males expressing their love for each other, openly and freely. I lived in agony as I denied my authentic self life; I lived in despair as I denied my authentic self life.
I swore to myself that I would never come out — and then I did last year (publically).
I have since realized:
The problem was not me — but that i was trying to change ME. And the fear that other people would reject me for me.
There’s nothing to be ashamed off. I am living my truth and doing so authentically. That’s something to take pride in — seriously. Reject the notion that your sexuality is something to be ashamed of; reject the notion that there’s something “wrong” with you. It is incredibly dismissive and destructive for others to depict our sexuality in this light as it suggests that there is a “right” way of living and departure from those standards is a “wrong” way of living. Family and others may not understand — and that’s okay. But it is not your role to conform to their expectations of who you are — their role is to support you and love you for you. This is not a selfish act, instead, it is a selfless act. What is selfish is if this vulnerable moment is erroneously perceived as selfishness by others.
Acceptance from yourself is the first step towards healing and eventually a journey towards progress and pride in who you are — it is who you have always been.
Acceptance is just the first step — in a long road towards recovery. Acceptance is an evolving process. Acceptance is necessary for a life of genuine happiness. Acceptance also requires you to protect your peace; that people who are around you foster the same peace and acceptance that you have built. Genuine acceptance over tolerance; you are not to be tolerated but accepted for you.
I also learned that acceptance from others usually comes first; appearing in implicit and explicit forms. Each act of affirmation, whether it be a text from my best friend telling me that “I am exactly who I meant to be” and that he “hasn’t seen me this happy before”; this same sentiment has been expressed by close friends, family, colleagues and acquaintances.
I have felt peace, joy and love. An abundance at that. And the most rewarding part is that I have received this from myself, too. Peace.
The shame, from claims of this being a “phase” or a “spiritual problem” stings all the while but it is drowned by the love. The shame can lead you to retrieve, to return to being discreet and closeted but the shame from being disingenuous is all consuming — leaving you depressed and disillusioned. The shame from looking yourself in the mirror and knowing that you are being inauthentic is equally all too consuming. It is evermore why it is cruel to suggest that a queer person adapt to heteronormative standards. That’s not a life worth living. Period.
The opposite of shame is pride. Taking pride in who you are works to reconcile the implicit and explicit messages of shame; in this light, it is an act of self-preseveration. Pride over shame. Always.
Who you are is beautiful; it is exactly who you were meant to be. Participation in pride is therapeutic and act of survival. It is a declaration that you deserve to enjoy all of life’s pleasure, chief among those, being love and acceptance. I am 25 years old and finally experiencing the joys of acceptance and love, from myself, from others and romantically. I didn’t think I would get to this point of acceptance but it is the most liberating feeling. There is no going back — only forward.
I am Kakra Boye-Doe; I am a Black gay man — and I’m so damn proud.
KBD, M.D.
